Parshas Korach - Wait for Morning!
Parshas Korach describes a bitter conflict that threatened Moshe’s leadership and led to great devestation for Bnai Yisrael. The Parsha opens by listing the cast of characters, Korach, Dasan, Aviram, and On ben Peles, who gather to challenge Moshe’s leadership. Moshe listened to them and fell on his face, and then he spoke,
In the morning Hashem will make known who is His own
Moshe's first word “Boker” (morning) is magnificent. Moshe understood something vitally important. We can’t engage productively with someone when either person is in the throes of emotional distress. We can’t reasonably converse or work through a challenge when one feels overwhelmed by emotions. That is why Moshe said, “Boker”. "Let’s not talk anymore right now. I hear you, we will deal with this, but not now. In the morning." Moshe gave everyone time for reflection. He offered them time to cool down from the mob energy that was roiling in the moment. Rav Shamshon Refael Hirsch points out that it wasn’t enough to say, “let’s reconvene in an hour”. It needed to be overnight - as night is a time when everyone leaves their friends and goes back to the quietness of their homes. In that space of quiet contemplation there is a chance for redirection. Moshe’s response emphasized that no productive conversations can occur at a time of strong emotions.
Fascinatingly, this message is taught a second time in the story of Korach. The Parsha opened with Korach, Dasan, Aviram, and On ben Peles. A few pesukim later Moshe engages with Korach, Dasan, and Aviram, but On is missing. What happened to him? You may remember the famous Gemara in Sanhedrin that says:
חכמות נשים בנתה ביתה זו אשתו של און בן פלת
It can be said about the wife of On ben Peles, 'the wisdom of the woman builds the home'.
What was the unique wisdom of On's wife? Although On was initially part of Korach’s rebellion, his wife convinced him there was no point in participating. She pointed out that he had nothing to gain personally from this conflict, which led him to withdraw and ultimately be saved from destruction. While it's true that Mrs. On's point was correct, what about her action is so unusually great that it embodies chachmos nashim, the unique wisdom of women?
Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz explains that at times of conflict, cool clear reasoning goes out the window. Although Mrs. On's logic is obvious to us, when a person is embroiled in dispute it is incredibly difficult to think clearly and logically. On’s wife’s wisdom was that she succeeded to distance her husband from the emotion of the moment. It was the fact that he was separated from the turmoil and passion of that day that allowed him to hear reason. It is not Mrs. On's logical statement that embodies wisdom, it was her ability to pull her husband out of the insanity and into a space where he could think logically and calmly.
Both Moshe Rabeinu, and On ben Peles’s wife understood that to influence another person, you have to allow them to get out of the heat of the moment. This is a golden nugget for parenting. We can’t parent in the middle of an emotional incident. Our first goal as a parent in the middle of a challenging moment is to get out of the incident and instead reconnect the relationship. Afterwards we can deal with the challenge. The moment of conflict is not the time to lecture or react. It is worth our while to wait until everyone calms down and we can actually have an effect on our child.
“Boker”. If our goal is to truly influence our children, we have to pick the right time, which is never when passions are inflamed and emotions are high. Moshe knew this, On’s wife knew it, and with Hashem’s help, we can all learn this and integrate it into our parenting toolkit.
Photo by JOHN TOWNER on Unsplash
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