• November 04, 2021
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Thank you for joining me! Let's look at a parenting lesson from Yitzchak and Rivka, through the eyes of Rav Shamshon Refael Hirsch. The passuk tell us: וַֽיִּגְדְּלוּ֙ הַנְּעָרִ֔ים וַיְהִ֣י עֵשָׂ֗ו אִ֛ישׁ יֹדֵ֥עַ צַ֖יִד אִ֣ישׁ שָׂדֶ֑ה וְיַעֲקֹב֙ אִ֣ישׁ תָּ֔ם יֹשֵׁ֖ב אֹהָלִֽים׃ The lads grew up and Eisav was a man who understood hunting, a man of the field, and Yaakov was a single-minded man, living in tents. Rav Hirsch notes that the Torah says, “Vayigdlu hanearim”, the lads grew up as one unit – they grew together and undifferentiated. In fact we know that it was only after they grew that their differences were noticed. Only after they were adolescents does the Torah say that Eisav was a man of the field and Yaakov a man of tents. What about when they were little? As children, there weren’t discernible differences in their behavior – they were raised together, “the lads grew up”. Rav Hirsch points out that the basic tenet of education is “chanoch lenaar al pi darko”, each child should be educated according to his inner tendencies and individuality. Eisav and Yaakov didn’t belong in the same school, they shouldn’t have had the same routines, schedules, or activities. Rav Hirsch says that if only Yitzchak and Rivka had studied Eisav’s nature and tried to develop his strength and skills in a way fitting for him, he would have become a “Gibor lifnei Hashem” a mighty man before God, not a Gibor Tzayid, a mighty hunter. This is a fundamental lesson that I believe we all know, and it is still a worthy message to remind ourselves of and take to our hearts. It isn’t enough to think about our family as a whole, and define our values and routines, but also to think through each child individually. What are this child’s strengths? Natural inclinations? Personality? Temperament? What education does this child need? What schedule? What waking time, what bedtime? What extracurricular activities? What chores and contributions should he make? What unique support does he need from us? We all know that it is challenging to tailor a unique approach of chinuch to each child. It requires time and energy to think deeply and research options, let alone put them into practice. I also know that it can be difficult within the framework of traditional schools to work with a school to make changes for an individual child in their school day. It isn’t easy, but it is the most basic principle of chinuch – it’s our job to understand each child as a unique individual and work to tailor their upbringing appropriately. As a side note, I have found that when parents make decisions based on what is best for each individual child, the children respect the differences and don’t complain, “it’s not fair”. I think it’s valuable for our children to know that we don’t all need the same things and we don’t all get the same things, as long as they also know that we are committed to each and every one of them to give them what they uniquely need for their growth and development. I want to end here by acknowledging all of you, mothers who do this day in and day out. I am always inspired when I occasionally have the privilege of hearing from you about your chinuch decisions. Mothers who invest effort into understanding their children and doing what is best for them are true heroes. I know you don’t get awards and accolades, so I want to end with a huge yasher kochachen. You are truly goborei koach and Hashem should bless all of us with the wisdom and strength to continue our path of chinuch, one child at a time.