Vayeitzei - Children as Partners
Parshas Vayeitzei includes the birth of 11 shvatim and ends with Yaakov’s family leaving Charan and returning to Eretz Yisrael. After they left, Lavan pursued Yaakov which led to a non-aggression pact formed over a mound of stones, a “gal”. The passuk says: וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יַעֲקֹ֤ב לְאֶחָיו֙ לִקְט֣וּ אֲבָנִ֔ים וַיִּקְח֥וּ אֲבָנִ֖ים וַיַּֽעֲשׂוּ־גָ֑ל Yaakov said to his brothers, “Gather stones”, and they gathered stones and made a mound. What does the Torah mean by saying Yaakov spoke to his brothers? What brothers did he have there? Rashi tells us, הֵם בָּנָיו, these were his sons who were his partners, joining with him in times of trouble and hostility. Isn’t that interesting? Yaakov’s children became like brothers who came to his aid. Children, like everyone, need to feel valuable and important. One way they do so is by partnering with parents in contributing to the home. While it is possible to have unhealthy dynamics when a parent relies on a child’s help too heavily or uses a child as an emotional or physical crutch, this pasuk is a good reminder to us that it is important for our children to be partners with us. Helping out at home not only gives a child important opportunities to build life skills and confidence, but it also makes them feel significant to their family. The documentary "Screenagers: The Next Chapter" discusses adolescence, technology, and mental health. They reported a study where researchers put mothers and their children alone in a room and gave each child a puzzle to solve which was too hard for them. The researchers effectively forced failure in the child in front of the mother. The mothers were instructed not to interfere or help their child with the puzzle, but inevitably, the mothers stepped in and helped their kids with the challenge. Here’s the fascinating piece. When the mothers stepped in to help, their own stress levels (heart rate, cortisol level, etc.) went down, but their children’s stress levels went up! By taking away their children’s opportunity to work through a difficult challenge on their own, and stepping in to take control of the situation, the mothers felt better, but their kids felt worse. Our children need to have opportunities to tackle big jobs, they need a chance to be our brothers and partners, helping us with cooking, yard maintenance, cleaning, and many other areas where we can allow them the opportunity to stretch, grow, and be in partnership with us.
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