• November 24, 2021
• 1 comment

After Mechiras Yosef when Yaakov was told that Yosef was gone he mourned deeply. We’re told: וַיִּתְאַבֵּ֥ל עַל־בְּנ֖וֹ יָמִ֥ים רַבִּֽים He mourned for his son for many days. Over time, his children tried to comfort him. וַיָּקֻמוּ֩ כָל־בָּנָ֨יו וְכָל־בְּנֹתָ֜יו לְנַחֲמ֗וֹ וַיְמָאֵן֙ לְהִתְנַחֵ֔ם All his sons and daughters sought to comfort him; but he refused to be comforted. Rav Hirsch points out that the word to be comforted is in hispael or reflexive form, “l’hisnachem”. Hispael verbs are ones where the subject does it to himself. So “hislabashti” means I got dressed, but that is not the form we would use to describe dressing someone else. So when Yaakov refused “l’hisnachem”, Rav Hirsch notes, he was refusing to console himself. What does that mean? Additionally, the word used for “and he mourned” is also reflexive or hispael. וַיִּתְאַבֵּ֥ל עַל־בְּנ֖וֹ יָמִ֥ים רַבִּֽים Lashon HaKodesh reflects the reality that both mourning and comforting are processes, or two points along the same process that an individual must go through within oneself. Mourning and becoming comforted is an intensely personal process of reorienting oneself to one’s new reality, whether it’s a world without a loved one, a dream that won’t come true or a goal that can’t be achieved - there are many events in a person’s life that lead to mourning and ultimately comfort - feeling sadness over what was lost and learning to accept a new reality and live with it. In today’s world there is great discomfort with grief. It is especially difficult for parents to watch their children grieving. We sometimes wonder what our role is when our son or daughter is saddened over a disappointment or loss. The Torah teaches us here that accepting and recovering from a loss, including any disappointment, is a process each person has to be allowed to go through until they come out the other side. We may be tempted to distract our child, explain to them why their disappointment really isn’t so bad, or maybe even for the good. Maybe we want to draw their attention to all the blessings in their lives, but when someone is grieving, they need to feel that sadness. The only way to the other side is straight through it, as messy and uncomfortable as it may be. Just like Yaakov’s sons and daughters rose up to comfort him, our role is to be present with our child, to make room for the sadness, to allow it to be felt, but ultimately we have to allow our child to go through the process until they achieve comfort themselves by coming out the other side of grief with acceptance and resilience. Sadness feels uncomfortable and many of us try to avoid it, but it is truly a gift from Hashem that allows us to adapt to life’s realities with resilience. Parents can give their children a gift by allowing them to feel sadness and by making it safe and okay to feel sad. Parents can sit with children in their sadness, and allow them to move through the process from availus to nechama. Just as with Yaakov Avinu, no one else can do it for them - it’s a “hispael” journey which each of us does within ourselves.