Vayigash - Processing Emotions
Parshas Vayigash describes the powerfully emotional reunion of Yaakov and Yosef. We all remember the story; Yosef harnessed his chariot and went to meet his father. When they met he threw himself upon his father’s neck and Yosef wept very, very much, while Yaakov remained dry-eyed. How can we understand this distinction? How did Yaakov stay dry-eyed while Yosef fell into racking sobs? Listen to this powerful message from Rav Hirsch. He reminds us that Yaakov had grieved and mourned for Yosef for many years. Crying over Yosef had been the focus of his life for decades. He was all cried out. He had spent the last 22 years focused on the loss of Yosef - there weren’t other emotions that distracted him, all he had been doing was living with the loss of his son each and every day and he had processed that loss fully. Yosef, on the other hand, from the day that he was sold into slavery had lived a busy and vibrant life. He had gone from being a prisoner to royal minister! Each day had been eventful and interesting and he hadn’t had the time or space to fully feel the pain of separation from his father or to grieve it. But now, when he saw and hugged his father again, all those hidden emotions of 22 years came to the surface and overwhelmed him in a flood of tears. So it is that in this passuk Yaakov is called Yisrael - his personal pain had already been subsumed in his national role of Yisrael, but not Yosef. Yosef cries and cries as, for the first time, he deeply feels the grief of 22 years. Isn’t that an incredible understanding? And isn’t that something we can all relate to? Sometimes families go through difficult times, like perhaps a pandemic! Truthfully, even a happy event like a Yom Tov or a family simcha can be emotionally taxing on us and especially on young children. How often have we been so grateful to Hashem that we’ve finally gotten over an intense period in our lives, we think can start relaxing, and right then, literally, our children start to fall apart? It happens to us all and the reason for it is right here in our Parsha. Yes, a new baby, or a vacation, or something truly more difficult, takes a toll on us and on our children. But often, in the midst of the simcha or crisis, we all keep moving forward, we deal with the situation day by day. We keep going and functioning because that’s what has to be. We have other things to deal with. It’s only afterwards, when life returns to normal, that we and our children can start to feel the emotions from that period, and sometimes those emotions are overwhelming. As mothers, it can feel frustrating to have a child begin a difficult stage right when we are coming out of a stressful time. I believe that it is important that we understand this natural and normal process so that we can be there to support our children fully instead of feeling resentful that they chose “this” moment to act up. Because of course they didn’t choose it, this is how Hashem made them and how they are supposed to function. We are designed to feel the flood of emotions once we are safely able to, just like Yosef HaTzadik. And if we change our mindset from thinking that we deserve a break with super easy children right after a stormy period, to expecting the normal and natural fallout from our own and our children’s processing emotions that comes after the challenge, we will be much happier and better able to support our own and our children’s healthy growth.
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